On the Road – Broken Dipshits, Gastronomic Misadventures, Deranged Passengers and More
January 16, 2025
Highlights and lowlights from yesterday’s excursion to and from the universe’s center:
1. Under a full moon en route to Fairview Mall, I witnessed a speeding car blow through a red light at the corner of Scott & Vine without as much as slowing down to check for oncoming traffic. Farther down Scott, an impatient driver used the center turning lane to pass someone who wasn’t traveling fast enough for his liking.
2. Behind me and beside me on the #12 Burlington-bound GO bus were passengers who had thought that the perfumed body wash they used was meant to be used a bottle at a time.
3. In a classic Winnipeg Transit moment, just as the GO bus pulled into the loop at Stoney Creek, the waiting #44 Rymal HSR bus took off. That is the only HSR route which directly serves that stop and is needed for anyone looking for a connection to the downtown-bound B-Line Express at Eastgate Square. Furthermore, unlike the nearby #2 Barton route, which runs quite frequently, the Rymal route only operates every 20 minutes.
4. Seated across from me on the Union-bound Lakeshore West train was a woman toting this bag from the University of Toronto’s Master of Management of Innovation. That sure sounds like something dreamed up by a bunch of starry-eyed academics stone drunk on their own self-importance.
5. Among the standing-room-only crowd packed in like sardines around me was a guy reading Cracking the Nazi Code by Jasper Bell along with an oversized woman reading American Dirt. Besides me, they were the only ones not engrossed with their phones.
6. At the opposite end of the car I was in was someone who bore a striking resemblance to a younger version of Raider legend Lyle Alzado.
7. The wonderful world of Windows bites Metrolinx in the butt . . .
8. Whereas I only spotted one DWAM™ on the train, upon arrival at Union, I noticed that the place was FOD. Full of Dipshits. People whose brains are permanently broken.
9. A sermon written on this bench outside a church on Queen Street . . .
10. Words of wisdom . . .
11. Hey, I know someone named Mike Delaney in Winnipeg. Even though he and I go way back, I never knew that about him.
12. While at the Purple Penguin Cafe, I listened as an angry 20-something woman wearing a green University of Alberta hoodie who was working for the federal Liberals talk to someone on the phone. “Does he, like, know it? . . . Is it, like, worth doing in the short term? . . . She’s the only one, like, west of Kenora. If that’s the case, then we’re, like, done. . . . She has, like, three months to learn French. . . . It f---ing kills me. It’s, like, I’m going to, like, send it in the mail later today. . . . It will also give me something to, like, say. . . . If I’m going to do my MBA, my first term starts in February. . . . I’m going to, like, need 250 volunteers.”
13. I’d be embarrassed to wear these pants to bed . . .
14. Gloves and helmet fit for an astronaut . . .
15. This dude put his health in mortal danger by taking his dipshit mask down before crossing the street. “We told you so,” they’ll tell him at the hospital if he gets sick.
16. In perhaps the oddest sighting of the day, this guy wearing a TTC vest was outside madly scooping salt from a bucket and throwing it out in the middle of the street. Not only was no one walking out there, but streetcars weren’t even using that stretch of Queen Street because of track work.
17. I can’t say I disagree . . .
18. An orange and a pair of syringes . . .
19. Doug the dog . . .
20. A toll road in Toronto?
21. The best response I’ve seen to such proclamations . . .
22. Spotted on Queen Street was a DWAM™, outside of course, who had his arm in a sling. But clearly, it was his brain that needed to be in a sling.
23. Video walkthrough in the PATH between Eaton Center and Union Station:
24. Taking advantage of a coupon, I visited Burger King for the first time in decades and ordered chicken nuggets and fries. For $5, I was treated to an extravaganza of seasoning, salt and grease that I was tasting a full day later. Rest assured, I won’t make that same mistake again.
25. Seated across from me in the Brookfield Place food court was this dude with a baby doll at his table. He was soon joined by an older woman, presumably his mother, who looked like she just walked off the set of Beverly Hillbillies.
26. In the washroom at Union Station, someone left their bike by the entrance unattended. I also noticed that the front brakes were disconnected. Perhaps he felt his back brakes were so good that he didn’t need both sets.
27. After taking a seat in Union Station, an scruffy older woman asked me, “Do you have some money so I can get something to eat?”
I shook my head. Then I noticed a lighter in her hand.
“That’s a lighter in your hand, isn’t it?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“So you’ve got no money for food, but you’ve got money for smokes.”
“I don’t have any cigarettes on me right now.”
27a. This reminded me of a time back in the Old Country when an Aboriginal woman asked me for money for a coffee. “Haven’t I given you enough already?” was my response. Completely befuddled, she soon moseyed off to find some other sucker. And probably found one.
28. A couple of kids seated behind me on the train were looking out the window. As we passed Exhibition, one of them yelled, “Ooooh, water!” You don’t say. We do live on the shores of Lake Ontario.
29. Farther away in the same car, an obviously mentally disturbed black woman spent the entire ride to Burlington involved in a highly animated conversation on the phone, often shouting louder than the stop announcements. “You gonna put it on my credit card . . . you stupid dumb f---er . . . you’re using my f---ing credit card . . . can’t find my purse . . . I’m not your f---ing crackheaded bitch . . . for the last 12 f---ing months . . . shut your f---ing ass up . . . you look stupid . . . I’ve got more f---ing kids than you . . . my daughter was born on January 19 . . . shut up you bitch . . . what the f--- are you jealous of? . . . are you f---ing retarded? . . . get the f--- out of my house . . .”
Following a five-minute respite, she continued on. “Everyone in that house is going get their ass kicked, you crackheaded puss . . . you’re not touching my f---ing credit card . . . I swear to God someone’s going to die in that f---ing house . . . do you underf---ingstand . . .”
After another break, she said, “Shut the f--- up before you end up dead.”
30. At Burlington GO, after this bum woke up, one of the station attendants came up to him and asked him to take a seat at one of the nearby benches. Which he did.
31. Seated behind me was someone wearing a jacket from the Oxford College paramedic program. Two announcements were made about a Union-bound train that was soon to arrive, then when it actually pulled up to the platform, he took off like a shot. While I hope he caught his train, he should consider being a little more attentive next time. As I’ve heard it said before, this is public transit, not a taxi service.
32. Free gloves on the GO bus . . .
33. A display board in need of repair or replacement . . .
34. Upon disembarking at Fairview Mall, a couple of Indian guys approached me on my way to the front entrance. One of them, who was munching on a chocolate bar, asked, from what I could understand, “Excuse me, sir, do have any teena? We want some melt.”
I shrugged my shoulders and kept moving.
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