When You Gotta Go
June 6, 2025
Picture this.
A black guy in his mid-40s with an open and running laptop comes charging into the washroom just off the food court at Fairview Mall. He goes into a stall and shuts the door behind him. Perhaps he wanted some privacy for whatever he was doing on his laptop, I thought, even though the food court was practically deserted. Even Stephanie, the regular cleaner who takes the bus to work every day, hadn’t started her shift yet. But no. As I was walking out, seconds later came a loud blast. The unmistakable sound of a wet fart.
Clearly this was not a false alarm.
Back out in the food court, I thought little of it. Until a minute later when I saw the same guy, with one hand still loosely gripping the keyboard of his still-open laptop, sprinting through the maze of empty tables on his way toward the north end of the mall.
He wasn’t in a hurry to take advantage of a great deal at Zehr’s, I thought. He was headed for the GO bus.
Sure enough, after taking a little stroll that way, I spotted him at the ticket machine. One hand punching buttons on the screen, the other hand somehow maintaining a loose grip on the laptop, just as the Burlington-bound GO bus was pulling up.
Well, after all that, I thought, at least he’s going to catch his bus. But how’d you like to be one of the sorry souls stuck next to him or somewhere a couple of rows away? Not only did he not have time to wash his hands at all, he surely didn’t have time to clean himself up properly either. Much of that wet fart no doubt boarded with him on the GO bus.
But when you gotta go, you gotta GO!
P.S. What are the odds that, before boarding, he asked the driver if he was going to Burlington?
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