Touchdown Moncton
June 22, 2024
Details on an epic adventure to and from Moncton:
1. En route to Pearson near the Burlington Skyway, I spotted a Niagara-bound truck with its trailer on fire. Even from the opposite side of the highway, I could feel the heat from the flames.
2. Also en route, I spotted a place called BUM Outdoor Furniture. Furniture where you can park your bum?
3. Much better than unhealthy soap . . .
4. The post-security departure board . . .
5. Enjoy some gay cake before your flight . . .
6. Despite the early hour, many passengers were taking advantage of this piano in the terminal . . .
7. A play area for restless kids . . .
8. A WEF Superstore, where you have to present your credit card or scan your mobile wallet before entering and your purchases are automatically scanned when you exit. George Orwell couldn’t have written a better script.
9. Nearby was a room for breastfeeding, though the only way to unlock the door was with an app and presumably a credit card. Something else right out of 1984.
10. There weren’t a lot DWAMs™ at Pearson, but still too many.
11. Spotting all the flight attendants stewardesses slathered in makeup, I am convinced it is a condition of employment with Air Canada (a.k.a. “the Reds”) that female employees must wear as much makeup as their face can absorb before it falls off.
12. Among those waiting for the flight to Moncton was an older guy with a cane who was wearing an orange Every Child Matters T-shirt. Three things can be said about him. First, he votes Liberal. Second, he is fully up to date on his boosters. Because he believes every word his government tells him. Finally, he had checked this box and happily paid the extra guilt fee when booking his flight.
13. Also waiting for the flight was someone who strongly resembled Grantham councilor Bill “How dare you question city staff” Phillips, who ended up two seats away from me on the plane.
14. While waiting near the gate, I learned that the Reds use Windows on their terminals.
15. The gate agent looked every bit like a snotty HR lady who takes great pleasure in being the gatekeeper between you and a potentially good job.
16. The flight was delayed, not because of problems with the plane, but because they had to scramble to get shuttles to the plane. That’s right. At the nation’s largest airport, we had to be shuttled, in three bus loads, out to a plane sitting in the middle of the tarmac at the opposite end of the terminal.
17. Fluency in Canadian or Quebecese is obviously not a prerequisite for flight attendants stewardesses as I couldn’t decipher the announcements about safety procedures in either language. The crappy sound system that they must have salvaged from the Winnipeg Arena didn’t help either.
18. As expected, there was a red curtain drawn to separate the high rollers up front from the riffraff.
19. I wasn’t planning on walking out onto the wing, but still, it’s good they put that warning out there . . .
20. During the flight, they came around selling snacks, though they did offer us a free cookie and a beverage. I’d happily have traded the cookie and beverage for free Wi-Fi instead.
21. The flight attendants stewardesses are waitresses with an attitude and an altitude. Just like with VIA, working for the Reds is not an adventure, it’s a job. But I had little choice on this trip, since WestJet only offers limited seasonal service to YQM. Anyone looking to fly to Moncton is pretty much stuck with the Reds.
22. Vanity plates have hit New Brunswick . . .
23. People who need such a sign shouldn’t be left alone without adult supervision . . .
24. After dropping my bag at the hotel, I made for the cemetery, where I found Carli Ward’s grave, my primary motivation for the trip. She wasn’t born in Moncton, but it was the city where she grew up and called home. It was an emotional moment, and I’ll always be grateful for the opportunity to visit the site where her ashes are interned.
25. There’s a housing crisis in New Brunswick? Even in my brief visit to Edmundston last year, it’s pretty obvious that it’s a have-not province where jobs and prosperity aren’t in abundant supply and likely never will be.
26. Since the Maritimes, like the SPRM, historically loses many to interprovincial migration, it’s perhaps fitting that one of the biggest realtors in the area is named Exit Realty . . .
27. I wonder if they offer prescriptions for your sick vacuum . . .
28. Various signs of gayness in the mall and around town. In total, I found 10 rainbow crosswalks in Moncton and Dieppe. It was a wonder that the runway at the airport wasn’t painted in rainbow colors.
29. In the morning, the mall is filled with seniors shooting the shit in the food court. Then in the afternoon, it gets taken over by scantily-clad teenagers toting bags from trendy stores.
30. At a home store was a rainbow-colored towel for $20. I wouldn’t have taken it off their hands for $20.
31. Video walkthrough of the mall . . .
32. There is a Sobey’s in the mall and another one across the street. Same with Dollarama. Apparently you can never have enough Sobey’s and Dollarama stores in the same vicinity.
33. Spotted in the mall was a guy with a T-shirt from Brock. Later, I would spot someone with a plate cover from a St. Catharines dealership.
34. Easily the highest number of out-of-province plates I spotted, other than Nova Scotia, were from Ontario, with most of those coming from the GTA. And interestingly, I spotted only two American plates on the trip, one from Maine, the other from Massachusetts.
35. Inspirational messages on garbage bins . . .
36. I was pleasantly surprised that the French wasn’t as overpowering as I had expected. Some signs were even in Canadian only and I heard little Quebecese spoken.
37. Even after a short time, I could easily tell I wasn’t in Southern Ontario. The people are more down to earth and the pace is different. They are friendly enough, but there’s a rough edge to them. Especially when they get behind the wheel of a car. The drivers had blood in their eyes and I had never been in a city where I felt so endangered crossing streets, and yes, that includes Winnipeg.
38. Riding a bike there is equally dangerous. There are practically no bike lanes anywhere, the streets are narrow and in bad shape, and combined with the ornery drivers, it was no wonder why I saw so many cyclists on the sidewalk. If I lived there, I’d be doing the same.
39. Spotted in the breakfast room at the hotel was someone wearing a Boston Red Sox T-shirt. But the shirt was blue. Had they become the Boston Blue Sox?
40. Outside my window was an electrical transformer where hotel employees went outside to smoke and cough their guts out. What could go wrong with lighting cigarettes next to an electrical transformer?
41. Artwork in an underpass . . .
42. Just in case passers-by forget the area code for New Brunswick . . .
43. Like most Canadians, I’m mad at the government too, but what does that have to do with your tummy or a cat?
44. I found this walk-sign tune a little, well, odd . . .
45. Did they just assume the coats’ marital status?
46. Moncton is apparently an iconic destination . . .
47. Video walkthrough of Bore Park, where there is a seating area for those who want to watch the tides . . .
48. Murals around downtown . . .
49. Scenes at Moncton City Hall . . .
50. Also at City Hall was a compassion™* commode. Evidently Moncton’s mayor is a proud graduate of the Walter Sendzik School of Compassion™* and Fiscal Irresponsibility.
* – Compassion™: Care Plus Action is a registered trademark of Walter Sendzik Intellectual Properties. All rights reserved.
51. The Bell Aliant tower, visible from practically anywhere in the city . . .
52. King of the Road . . .
53. For anyone who needs services from the federal governments of Canada, France or Quebec . . .
54. The Moncton Market . . .
55. Duck . . .
56. Humans suck . . .
57. Signs outside a downtown convenience store whose proprietor is obviously like-minded . . .
58. The Avenir Center, home of the QMJHL’s Moncton Wildcats:
59. Side view of the Gunningsville Bridge . . .
60. Though most four-way stop signs read “4 SENS/WAY,” this one more closely resembled the signs they have in Quebec . . .
61. Spotted on a sidewalk was someone wearing a T-shirt with the message, “I HATE PEOPLE.”
62. I walked into the tourist office, where there was no one inside except for three young girls behind the counter waiting to pounce on some fresh meat. “Oh, shit,” I muttered to myself, but I stuck it out. While looking over the brochures, they asked me where I was from and what had brought me there. I told them, but I also said I should have come back with something snarky like, “An Air Canada plane.” Then I stumbled on the section for Edmundston. Except that the sign read “Edmunston.” When I pointed this out to them, they seemed befuddled, almost as if they didn’t believe me. After I had clearly explained the error, they said, “Well, we didn’t do it.” They eventually thanked me for pointing it out and said they’d tell their supervisor, however, their demeanor suggested they were considerably less than pleased with me for having the audacity to point out the mistake.
63. Despite the fact that the Maritimes is one of the most economically depressed regions of the country, tattoo parlors are doing a booming business.
64. Even in Moncton, the SPRM continues to follow me around . . .
65. On the left is a bus stop in Moncton and on the right is one in Dieppe. Yet they are both from the same transit system.
66. A special flooring store for churches . . .
67. Something got lost in the translation here. “Second mile” is not “Deuxième chance.”
68. Seated at a nearby table at the Swiss Chalet was a guy who looked like a cross between Lenin and Jack Layton.
69. This may only interest me, but I noted that when the wording of a sign needs to be changed, they put a new plate in front of it rather than replace the entire apparatus. It is a common sense approach, unlike what happens in the Old Country.
70. The Great Canadian Parking Fail at the Great Canadian Bagel . . .
71. Scenes at Dieppe City Hall . . .
72. Le Pub. How original.
73. Step-warming statue dressed like a dipshit . . .
74. I stopped into the Dieppe Market, which was supposed to be open. Many cars were in the parking lot and the doors were open. But inside, everything was shut tight. The only thing going on was a couple of guys jabbering away in Quebecese. One of them told me they were closed today, yet there was no sign on the door. Apparently you’re just supposed to know.
75. Ask for stories and you get them . . .
76. I’d have gone to the nearby Dieppe Public Library, except that it wasn’t open until 1 pm.
77. Interestingly, this was as close to an encampment as I would see throughout my stay . . .
78. In my return visit to the mall, I began to recognize some employees. It is a small town.
79. In the mall, I spotted someone with a T-shirt featuring the Kool-Aid logo below the message, “Let’s start a cult!” Soon after, I spotted a kid with a black T-shirt with the message, “I PEE IN POOLS.”
80. Though I had seen very few DWAMs™ around town, my server waitress at the Swiss Chalet on my last night there was one of them. A DWWAM. Dipshit Waitress With A Mask. On the bill, her name was listed as “Mama D.” Mama Dipshit. When it came time to pay, her heart nearly skipped a beat when I pulled a $20 bill out of my wallet. “Oh, cash!” she said. Yeah dipshit, it’s cash. Deal with it.
81. Seated nearby in the breakfast room at the hotel was a woman from Ontario who was surprised by the Cheez Whiz at her table. “Cheez Whiz,” she said. “I haven’t had that in 100 years.” Funny, but she didn’t look 100.
82. I know I got to the airport kind of early, but the place was completely deserted and I practically had to ring a bell for service at security, where they didn’t even scan my boarding pass. At Pearson, there’s a board showing the expected wait times and they scan your boarding pass twice.
After getting through, I listened as the eight security staff were sitting around shooting the shit. This is clearly a part-time job at YQM, where there were only five departures in total on the day and one of them was to a place called Deer Lake.
83. I can’t imagine they get a lot of customers, but there was a Tim Hortons and a lounge post-security, along with vending machines. Vending machines that accepted cash.
84. Among the passengers were three burly dudes with Mexican passports. Another one was on the plane from Toronto I arrived on. Two others got pulled aside for extra attention because of the lobster they were carrying. Apparently a certain kind of lobster has more meat on it, which shows up on the scanner. Then there was someone who left his keys behind. They were running around trying to find the rightful owner and I hope they did find him.
85. An Asian couple tried to get a screwdriver and a pair of needle-nose pliers through security. Where have they been for the last 20 years? I wondered as they seemed a little puzzled. They were given an opportunity to put them in their checked bag, which they did before returning.
86. The guy who took a seat next to me smelled like he had bathed in cologne before coming to the airport. I was relieved not be seated next to him on the plane.
87. Another one of the passengers was wearing a T-shirt with the message, “Busy doing nothing.” And another was seated in the back of the terminal practically making out with her dog.
88. Seated behind me on the plane was a couple jabbering away in German and beside me was a scruffy dude dressed in a sleeveless undershirt who had a long, straggly gray beard and tattoos on his arms.
89. On the #12 Niagara-bound GO bus, a DWAM™ boarded at Burlington and sat in front of me. Soon after, a woman took a seat next to him. She turned to him and said, “Vaccinated. Six times.” I should have leaned over and said, “I hope your affairs are in order.”
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