The Garden City Refugee

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The, Like, Yuppie Café

March 20, 2023

This morning, I paid another visit to, like, Balzac’s Coffee Roasters in NOTL. And once again, it did not disappoint. No, it had nothing to do with the food or the drink on the menu. Rather, it was the off-color entertainment provided by the staff and its hip yuppie clientele.

Like, Balzac’s Coffee Roasters.

I was served by a girl wearing an orange toque. I didn’t ask if the orange toque symbolized her support for the “Every Child Matters” campaign pushed by the government, though given past experience with staff and clientele, I would wager there’s a better than even chance that the answer is yes. Call it a hunch.

Upon taking my seat at a crumb-laden table (were they not expecting customers today?), I soon learned that Orange Toque Girl has everything booked for three months of travel beginning June 8. She also made sure to mention that the freezer is rotated and, like, stuff. Perhaps that “stuff” is the reason she, like, has a headache.

She was joined by a girl wearing a beige sweater. But Beige Sweater Girl didn’t stick around long. Despite claiming not to be hungry, she grabbed the plastic tub full of food she brought from home along with her backpack and did an exit stage left, leaving Orange Toque Girl to handle the counter alone. That probably made her headache worse, as there are normally three of them behind the counter.

Her first customer after me was a guy who walked in with a cane. He wanted ground coffee and paid $20 for a small tin. He must have really wanted it. Naturally, he paid with a card, as did every other customer who came through there during my stay, making the banks rich a nickel and a dime at a time. It made me wonder why they bother with the two tip jars at opposite ends of the counter. Since no one else besides me pays with cash there, I doubt they collect much besides dust.

Next was a couple. I did a double take when I noticed that the male half bore a striking resemblance to my next door neighbor. The female half had her eye on the cookies or a muffin, but after some deliberations, they decided to wait until later before eating and instead settled on two marble roast coffees. I cringed when I saw her dig out a card to pay for the $6.20 order.

A car then drove up to the front door and out the passenger’s side came an older woman with dyed blond hair. She came in and ordered a medium latte with two breakfast sandwiches, which they warmed up for her. While she was waiting, some younger yuppie she knew came in and ordered a hot chocolate and a breakfast sandwich for himself. Sporting the Don Johnson look with all the stubble and slicked black hair, he clearly thought he was hot stuff. But he was also hungry as he opened up the sandwich and was munching on it even before taking a seat opposite his lady friend.

Shortly thereafter, two yuppiettes came in. One of them was carrying a mask, but not wearing it. Perhaps she just wanted to be prepared in case she spotted some nasty airborne viruses floating around. While waiting for her iced latte, she told her friend, who ordered an Americano espresso, that even though it was only, like, 6:30 last night, she just crashed in her apartment. That could have been the reason why she didn’t bring lunch today and wasn’t, like, prepared. Though the weather wasn’t too bad this day, she likes summer better when it’s not so, like, miserable. After getting their order, they were looking around for some cinnamon and had to ask Orange Toque Girl for it. Orange Toque Girl said they used to keep it out with the sugar, but they’re not allowed to do that anymore. On the way out with her iced latte, the yuppiette said she’s going to visit her dog Jelly at lunch today and hopes to be able to get her to, like, walk. Maybe the poor thing is at some canine rehab hospital.

I’m almost glad I didn’t hear more. I might have, like, thrown up.

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