On the Road – Phone Necklaces, Rainbow Deposits, Fare Evaders and More
October 25, 2023
Highlights and lowlights from yesterday’s visit to the universe’s center:
1. En route to Fairview Mall, I spotted two cyclists pedaling down Scott Street in pitch darkness and neither had a light or was wearing a helmet. The first was wearing a dipshit mask and had his head down, focusing on his phone, while the second, who badly needed to lube his chain, was more concerned with lighting a cigarette.
2. At Fairview Mall, someone loaded $31 on his Presto card. Not $30 or $35, but $31.
3. As we were marooned in the middle of bumper-to-bumper traffic that caused us to be 26 minutes late pulling into Burlington, I couldn’t help but remember Sal Sorrento’s pledge during last year’s provincial election that, if re-elected, Doug Ford was going to fix the traffic problems on the QEW.
4. When the guy behind me was talking to his buddy across the aisle about the traffic, he said, “Man, that’s shit.” Later, as we sat in a non-moving line on Centennial Parkway waiting to get back on the QEW, he got on the phone with another buddy and said his doctor just told him that he didn’t have cancer, so he went out for a few drinks last night to celebrate.
5. Bumper sticker spotted on the QEW, “Tailgate me for a free brake test.”
6. Make yourself at home on the train . . .
7. In the quad in front of me was an Asian woman who had a necklace of beads hanging from her phone.
8. Across the aisle was a hotshot of Indian heritage toting a suit in a bag who got on the phone with someone named Katie. He wound up the conversation by saying, “You’re a good man, Katie.”
9. A typical day on the subway for some . . .
10. More nausea-inducing groveling . . .
11. No, but Justin Trudeau is . . .
12. I wonder if they dispense special gay drugs . . .
13. Gayness on full display at Church and Wellesley . . .
14. I wonder if you need a deposit slip for rainbows . . .
15. How dare they assume gender . . .
16. The curb appeal here is a little lacking . . .
17. Be my darling . . .
18. Welcome to Cabbagetown . . .
19. A black squirrel with a cookie . . .
20. Make yourself at home in the bus shelter . . .
21. For those who are big into gossip . . .
22. Looks like they need more than interior design help from an “assitant” . . .
23. The Golden Pigeon . . .
24. Hang your bedsheets out to dry on a parking meter . . .
25. And how is a black opera different than an ordinary opera?
26. Skyline shot from Front Street:
27. One vendor in St. Lawrence Market was selling small potato pancakes for $3.29 each. I know things are more expensive these days, but still . . .
28. A coffee shop in St. Lawrence Market was displaying a sign, “Cash still accepted.” How big of them.
29. At the, like, Balzac’s across the street, I could taste the bile as I watched someone consume a creamy white beverage with a thick layer of lime green scum on top.
30. Gay bikes for rent . . .
31. On the return trip, fare inspectors came on board at the Mimico stop. Everyone in my car paid except for one middle-aged woman who whipped out a black MasterCard when asked for proof of payment. She played dumb, of course, saying she was unaware she had to tap on before boarding. Maybe she really didn’t know. But more than likely, she was trying to ride like a Winnipegger. And she got caught. Whatever the case, it was an expensive ride to Clarkson, as even if it was her first time getting caught, the fine is $35. Which isn’t nearly high enough, if you ask me.
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