The Garden City Refugee

CNE Revisited

September 3, 2022

Highlights and lowlights from yesterday’s return visit to the CNE:

1. I’m guessing this order from Starbucks that Jen placed the previous evening at 8:21 pm with her mobile device fell below her expectations. But if her standards were higher, or if she even had any standards at all, she wouldn’t have gone to Starbucks in the first place. Serves her right.

2. Free water bottle at the Fairview Mall bus stop. Someone was even kind enough to leave it half-filled.

3. The guy who was replacing an ad poster in one of the shelters was wearing a T-shirt with “Old Fart” on it. Judging from the look of him, he really didn’t need the T-shirt to advertise that fact.

4. Once again, someone on the bus made the effort to go up top, sit in the front seat, where he could lean against the window and catch a few winks, using his backpack as a pillow. I know it’s first come, first served, but if you just want to snooze the trip away, why not go to the back?

5. A mother with her two kids boarded just before the bus took off and made sure to ask the driver if the bus was going to Burlington. I suppose the huge, lighted BURLINGTON CARPOOL sign out front wasn’t big enough for her.

6. Spotted en route were two trucks promoting fresh quail eggs. “Crack a new egg” was the slogan on the back. I never knew quail eggs were a thing.

7. History was made on this trip as more people got on and disembarked at Beamsville, a stop that sees virtually no activity, than at Grimsby.

8. Words of wisdom at the Stoney Creek stop:

9. After leaving Stoney Creek, the snoozer up front turned over. I heard a sound. I hoped it was the seat creaking, but it was a fart. A fart I was smelling all the way to Burlington.

9a. I know one loyal reader who will appreciate that experience and remember how one of our former colleagues used to stand in the hallway outside our cubicles and fart while treating us to his many pearls of wisdom.

10. In the south loop at Burlington, some scruffy dude was staggering around in the middle of the road and nearly got himself vaccinated as he wandered in front of a moving bus.

11. The previous night, I was lamenting the lack of vending machines at the Burlington GO station. And as if they heard me . . .

 

11a. In fairness, the nearby Walmart isn’t that far away, but many times weary travelers don’t have the time or energy to make the trek. In addition, many are toting luggage, as it is a transfer point for those headed for the Falls.

12. In the terminal was a young woman toting a bag with CRAP BAG written all over it. Well, if it’s crap, why did you buy it?

13. On the platform, a woman who boarded the bus at Stoney Creek was telling her captive audience that she’s 44 and has five kids. The five kids I can believe, but she looked closer to 64 than 44. And even if I didn’t see her get on at Stoney Creek, I’d have figured she was from Hamilton. Not saying it’s good or bad, but there’s just something different about Hamiltonians. They don’t need those HAMILTON IS HOME T-shirts to distinguish themselves.

14. I-C. I-E. It means something to somebody.

15. One kid in my car spent the entire ride to Exhibition listing off all the events taking place at the CNE throughout the day. As if none of the others in his group could read.

16. A gaggle of Asian girls who boarded at Oakville came up to the second level and were loudly jabbering away until someone seated across the aisle politely pointed out that the quiet zone, put in place for the benefit of weekday commuters, was still in effect until 10:00. That worked for about 30 seconds.

17. Boarding at Port Credit was a young girl wearing a lime green Saskatchewan Roughriders cap. It reminded me once again that few in this part of the world could pick out Saskatchewan on a map. For those in the GTA, St. Catharines is remote enough.

18. Offered near the main gate, pickle lemonade is one treat I sure didn’t avail myself of.

19. Unlike the case in my last visit, the water refill stations were more prominently located, there were more of them, and those I found were actually working. However, placing one right next to an electrical transformer might not have been such a great idea. Just saying.

20. Selfie magnets . . .

 

21. Video walkthrough inside the Enercare Center, where many of the vendors were located:

22. Somewhere over the rainbow . . .

22a. Doubly nauseating was that this rainbow received federal funding.

23. If this wasn’t enough, rainbow socks were available for sale at The Sock Den. As they say in Texas, El Paso.

24. Passing a booth, I listened as a smooth-talking sales guy was trying to pull a hustle on an older couple. “Let me give you guys something,” he said. “You’re going to bless me.”

25. Nearby, I spotted someone with a T-shirt with the slogan “I like pig butts and I cannot lie.”

26. A weed store was offering Dr. Seuss-style children’s books such as Jake and the Weed Stalk and Green Eggs and Hash. I support the right of adults to do as they please, but stop trying to pass the stuff off on children.

27. Among the “imported drinks” at Mrs. Fields British Foods were Coke and Diet Pepsi.

28. The poison clinic was still on premises and again, they were as lonely as Maytag repairmen. But they did have an extra security guard on hand. Maybe people are getting tired of being murdered by their own government. Go figure.

29. One of the sucker joints along the midway had a sign stating that they had a counterfeit money detector. In other words, they have no problem taking you for a ride, but don’t try to pull a fast one on them.

30. I spun the wheel at the Metrolinx display outside the Enercare Center and won a free taxpayer-funded hyper ball with the UP logo on it that lights up when you drop it on the ground. Wheee! And of course, it was made in China. Buy local. Or not.

31. Video walkthrough of the food building:

32. At Exhibition Stadium BMO Field, a rent-a-cop made a point of coming over, parking himself next to me and keeping a close watch as I went through the apparently threatening activity of snapping pictures. I felt like asking, “Is this a problem?”

 

33. Riding the EXpress train once again . . .

34. The Princess Margaret Fountain:

35. Up close and personal with an iguana . . .

36. Apparently the CNE has a mascot . . .

37. Video walkthrough of the farm:

38. Someone needs to “tackel” a dictionary . . .

39. Posted prominently near the entrances to the Sky Ride were signs asking patrons not to spit from the ride.

40. A kid walking down the midway who looked no more than 12 years old was wearing a T-shirt with the slogan “A day without beer is . . . Just kidding, I have no idea what that is.”

41. Posted outside one vendor selling donut tickets was a sign that read, “Before ordering, please inform your server if anyone in your group has a food allergy.” You mean an allergy to junk food?

42. Not far from this donut place, I passed by a woman with an Indian accent who was on the phone telling someone, “Show the world you are a likable character.”

43. At the buskers’ corner was a performerette who was telling her small audience that she came all the way from Berlin and was working the CNE for the first time. Then she asked, “Do you like danger?” After they answered in the affirmative, I couldn’t help but reflect on how much danger she had put herself in by taking multiple injections of slow-kill poison just for the privilege of coming to this communist country.

44. Walking down the midway was an Asian guy wearing a black cap with NO FEAR on it. He was wearing a mask. Outside.

45. Walking through the main gates and through the tunnel at the adjacent GO station was a bunch of muscle-bound guys dressed in Argonauts practice jerseys and carrying Argonauts helmets. As someone who doesn’t follow pro sports anymore, I couldn’t tell for certain, but I strongly suspected they were real Argonauts. Yet though they certainly stood out, they were hardly being mobbed by adoring fans.

46. Waiting alongside me on the platform at the Exhibition GO station was a guy dressed in a purple T-shirt who was working on his golf swing. Yes, he had golf clubs with him. Tee it high and let it fly, so the line goes from Predator 2.

47. One passengerette disembarking at Exhibition was pleased to see the PPC paraphernalia I was sporting on the day.

48. The family seated across the aisle from me took a break from jabbering away in what sounded like an Eastern European language to say that they were headed for the Falls, where they would be having a picnic complete with potatoes and veggies, and that they’d go get the Jetta when they got there. Then they resumed munching on their smelly veggie chips.

49. Spray-painted on the noise barrier at Clarkson was the line, “Some of the rudest people I know don’t smoke.”

50. According to the schedule, I should have had a half-hour wait at Burlington for my connecting bus. Instead, there was a bus waiting and took off seconds after I took my seat. I suspect it was the previous bus that was late, much like what happened in a recent trip where the bus was held at Burlington for 20 minutes, but in this case, it worked out in my favor. Metrolinx giveth and taketh away.

51. With traffic on the QEW moving at a snail’s pace near the Centennial Parkway exit, the female passenger in a black half-ton rolled down her window and put her bare feet up against the rearview mirror.

51a. I guess Obersturmführer Ford still hasn’t gotten around to fixing the traffic problem.

52. The mother of a large family seated near the front of the bus spent nearly the entire ride on her feet parceling out juice boxes and bags of chips. Then at Beamsville, she had the gall to ask the guy sitting in the front seat to move so her kids could get a better view. Pretty ballsy, if you ask me. But the guy actually went along with it.

53. It is bad enough to see teenagers and immature 20-somethings covered from head to toe in tattoos. It is doubly bad to see such a sight on a gray-haired 65-plus senior.

54. Passing us in the opposite direction at Lake Street was a truck from Arnold Bros. Transport, another Winnipeg-based trucking company. Not only is this another instance of the SPRM following me around, but one ex-colleague married into the Arnold family and yet another used to work for them in the office. The latter ex-colleague noted that they have a very high turnover rate.