Dear Niagara Region Public Health
January 8, 2025
Dear Niagara Region Public Health:
Thank you for your latest message. I’m so glad that you folks managed to find a break in your busy schedules to warn us about winter hazards. I imagine your time is especially scarce these days as you ramp up your final efforts to push the death shots before your benefactors at Pfizer and Moderna are eviscerated by the incoming Trump administration south of the border. No doubt you’re scared shitless over the prospect of those bonuses they’ve been feeding you and every other agency and medical practitioner in this country drying up. The golden goose has been quite generous. That’s why you’re doing all you can before Pfizer’s Armageddon. After all, it’s expensive to maintain your Ferraris and Lamborghinis. Just ask Jagmeet Singh, Canada’s great defender of the common working stiff. I can’t imagine how much he bills taxpayers for the upkeep of his Maserati. And a dollar doesn’t go nearly as far as it did in places like Mexico or the Bahamas as it used to. The value of the loonie is sinking faster than Justin Trudeau’s approval ratings. Not to mention the ruinous effects of inflation. I get it.
Back to your message, though. The timing of that warning couldn’t have been more appropriate. After all, we did get a light coating of snow that did ever so slightly cover the odd sidewalk here and there. Thankfully it all melted after the sun came out in the afternoon, but I can’t imagine how many serious injuries your sage advice prevented during those perilous few hours.
It’s why I remain ever so grateful to those of you at Public Health for always looking out for us. You see, this crusty old ex-Winnipegger who had spent decades braving bone-chilling wind chill values that would freeze the nuts off an Eskimo and who regularly biked to work in those same conditions had completely forgotten how to handle ice and snow.
As you pull up in your luxury vehicles and risk life and limb scampering those few steps between your privileged parking spots and the front door to your posh offices, take comfort in knowing that your efforts have not gone unnoticed and please accept my heartfelt thanks for all you do to keep us safe.
Humbly yours,
Your unworthy admirer
--- Original message ---
From: Niagara Region Public Health
To: Me
Date: Tuesday, January 7, 2025
Subject: Stay Safe!
It’s going to be a snowy and slippery week, Niagara! Stay safe with these fall prevention tips:
- Walk like a penguin: knees relaxed, toes pointed out, short steps, slow and deliberate, and keep your hands free.
- Take extra care when stepping off the last step of stairs – it’s a common spot for falls. Use a handrail if available for added support.
Stay steady and safe this winter!
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