On the Road – Graffiti, Stuffed Animals, Goof Rats and More
August 26, 2020
Highlights and lowlights from another two-wheeled adventure to, from and in Welland:
1. Early in the morning on Welland Canals Parkway, I spotted someone in a small car whizzing by in the opposite direction at 80-90 km/h (it’s a 60 km/h zone) who didn’t even slow down for the stop sign at Scott Street. I just hope no innocent bystanders were injured during his/her travels.
2. No thank you . . .
3. Out on the trail was someone wearing a T-shirt with the slogan “Do Not Disturb” who was playing loud music on his phone. So in other words, I can disturb you, but don’t disturb me. Got it.
4. As I’ve said before, the SPRM does keep following me around . . .
5. The opening salvo . . .
6. Good tidings from the locals in Welland . . .
7. Free garden cultivator . . .
7a. You know that in the Old Country, this would be used as a weapon. In fact, it reminds me of one of the final scenes in The Omen when Robert Thorn stabbed Mrs. Baylock with something very similar.
8. The gorilla of Guerrilla Park:
9. Spotted in Merritt Park was a middle-aged woman on a bench looking so despondent as she hung her head in her hands for several minutes before getting up and walking away. That was a scene that just screamed “Welland!”
10. Another quintessential Welland scene came later in the morning when I spotted this woman seated on another bench in Merritt Park. She sat there for several minutes hanging her head before getting up to waddle down the trail to Division Street, where she leaned all of her enormous girth on a pole, shooting a look of a lifetime’s worth of pent-up anger at the passers-by on King Street. After a few minutes, she waddled back to the bench, leaned on it for a while, then kept repeating this cycle over and over again.
10a. Observant readers will have already noticed the thickness of her upper arms, the rolls of fat oozing over the bench and that her legs are so thick she can’t do up her shoes properly. She sure does know where the Dairy Queen is, doesn’t she?
11. Whatever a goof rat is . . .
12. Free towel . . .
13. Luxury and Welland are two terms that don’t belong in the same area code.
14. A trailside memorial . . .
15. The Stuffed Animal Pole of Welland:
16. This means something to someone . . .
17. Get a load of the tattoo on the leg of this paddleboarderette:
18. Tough row to hoe . . .
19. J Slub was here . . .
20. “Tye” one on . . .
21. Spotted along the trail was a woman with a growing gut wearing a T-shirt with the slogan “Meet me at the finish line.” If anyone actually wants to take her up on her offer, you won’t need to hurry to get there. Trust me.
22. More off-color scenes in Welland:
23. On the return trip, I spotted a cyclist who got off his bike, laid it down, then got down on the pavement and began doing push-ups. I couldn’t help but be reminded of the scene in Major League when Lou Brown told Willie Mays Hayes, “Every time I see you hit one in the air, you owe me 20 push-ups.”
24. Also spotted on the return trip was a white pickup with “Beers, Bonfires and Back Roads” on the back window. No doubt he’s one of many loyal LCBO customers.
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