The Three Musketeers
January 30, 2025
So Doug Ford, Chairman of the Politburo of the Soviet Republic of Ontario and leader of the blue faction of Uniparty Ontario (née Ontario PC Party), has indeed, as long since rumored, called a general election. To protect Ontario from the menace in the White House, he says. But in reality, to use Donald Trump as a convenient excuse to weasel out a fresh four-year term while his biggest threat, the red faction of Uniparty otherwise known as the Ontario Liberals, are still aimlessly wandering in the political wilderness. Bonnie Crombie was just selected as their leader and, like their last leader, she doesn’t even have a seat. People’s Commissar Ford wants to keep it that way. Kick ’em while they’re down.
And based on the polls, he’s almost certain to get that new term and keep the red faction of Uniparty as the “minivan party.” Despite how much Ford is hated on all sides of the political spectrum, there doesn’t figure to be too much drama at the provincial level. Voter turnout will likely be even lower than in the last election as the New Blue is the only real alternative to the four factions of Uniparty. This is an election that will be met with a collective province-wide yawn.
But perhaps not so here in St. Catharines, where there could be a real turtle race to the finish. A “race” that could provide some comic relief amid an otherwise dreary political charade. Let us look at the three main participants, all of whom are card-carrying members of Uniparty. None of them are getting my vote, which should go without saying. Thankfully, there’s a New Blue candidate, though failing one, I’d sooner rip my ballot in half than vote for any of Uniparty’s emissaries.
First of all, there’s Jennie Stevens, the incumbent and a representative of Uniparty’s orange faction, officially known as the Ontario NDP. A former city councilor, she’s obnoxious as hell, as one would expect from someone in the orange faction. Listen to her speak, or more appropriately, preach, and you’d think she makes a living behind the pulpit in one of those off-beat revival churches where they sacrifice a wild boar every Sunday as an offering to a higher power. Afterward, they invite parishioners to drink the blood before roasting the boar on a spit over an open flame in the middle of the woods while chanting ancient folk songs.
Still, she’d seemingly have the inside track to return to Queen’s Park. Except for the entry of Robin McPherson, a current city councilor who has taken on the task of carrying the banner for Uniparty’s red faction. Here I thought that Crombie was trying to steer the red faction more toward the center. On their website, they even talk about a middle-class tax cut. Instead, they nominate a candidate who makes Stevens and the radical far-left fringe element of Uniparty she represents look like moderates. As a councilor, she’s seemingly never met a tax she didn’t like and is a big supporter of the St. Catharines Downtown Association, which effectively functions as the municipal arm of the NDP. By nominating her, I can only imagine that they’re hoping she’ll be able to suck votes away from the incumbent. Especially if she whips out the rainbow flag and plays the “vote for me because I’m gay” card. Centrist principles be damned. Winning is the name of the game. All’s fair in love, war and politics.
Which could leave the door open for the third member of this troupe. Yes, Sal Sorrento, your friend and mine and the class clown of municipal politics, is back for another kick at the can. And he’s again representing the blue faction of Uniparty. Amazingly, he still calls himself a conservative and manages to do so with a straight face. In fact, he was recently at the meet and greet with newly minted CPC candidate Bas Sluijmers, sporting a cap with the slogan “Canada is not for sale.” Well, Canada isn’t for sale, but Doug Ford certainly is. Where there’s a lobbyist pushing a partisan cause, Ford is right there, only too happy to gleefully accept a bribe. An accepted perk of the job within every faction of Uniparty.
In the last election, Sal worked like a dog, only to finish even worse than his predecessor, the late Sandie Bellows, did four years earlier, and Sandie did next to nothing during her campaign. To say the least, he’s a terrible candidate and one any of the Uniparty factions would only turn to unless it was truly desperate. And clearly, Uniparty’s blue faction falls into that category. To his credit, Sal does not lack for nerve, though he’s also got a thin skin, as evidenced by his Bittle-like use of Facebook’s block feature. Don’t dare point out something obvious that government “help” is nothing but a bribe that costs you far more in the long run and you too can end up as a permanent member of Sal’s online doghouse.
And yet, amazingly as it sounds, the vote split on the far left elements of Uniparty could be all he needs to get him over the top and become our next MPP. Now wouldn’t that be something. Something not good.
But whatever transpires over the next month, it proposes to be a rather comical fight to the finish.
Sit back and watch the fun.
Dark humor at its finest.
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