April Fool at Square One
April 2, 2025
Highlights and lowlights from an April Fools’ Day trek to and from Square One:
1. Upon arrival at Fairview Mall, I noticed a DWAM™ putting funds on his Presto card while keeping time to the music he was listening to on his Bluetooth ear buds, blissfully unaware as to how retarded he looks wearing a mask, especially outside.
2. Waiting in the shelter at Dundas & 407 was a pair of 20-somethings shooting the breeze. The one doing most of the talking said she makes $52 per day on a student wage and around, like, $350 per week after pension and taxes. She gets a, like, 30-minute break each day, but she doesn’t, like, know where to go on her break. Most time, she just chats and hangs out.
They were on their way to Square One, where they were going to transfer to a #107 Mississauga bus to take them to a rink to watch a hockey game of some sort. But first, they were going to stop at Starbucks. She said she’d order through the app and cover her friend’s order. It’s easier with one order, she said. She went on to say that waiting for buses is so much more, like, bearable with her phone. But her privacy screen, like, really bothers her. She said she had a dentist appointment later that day and that Olivia is coming over afterward. But Olivia’s car is so cold she, like, literally freezes.
3. After boarding the #40 GO bus, I noticed three DWAMs™, including one with a medical-grade N95 dipshit mask. Not surprisingly, that guy was coughing up a storm. No doubt he had been shot up with as much gene-altering poison as the government will give him.
4. Boarding the #40 at Trafalgar Road was a young guy who, after taking a seat, couldn’t wait to resume playing Scrabble with some app on his phone. Later, he switched to watching highlights of a Lakers game.
5. Walking through the City Center Terminal, I was again taken aback at the number of DWAMs™ out and about, including a MiWay driver and some dude toting a bag with Arabic writing on it. The DWAMs™ weren’t just inside, but outside. Sadly, inside the mall, it was more of the same. It was as though I had gone back in time by about three years.
6. In the food court, they’re not garbage bins, they’re “sorting stations” . . .
7. You know what part of your anatomy you can stick these nauseating land acknowledgments . . .
8. Inside the Central Library was a display celebrating the International Transgender Day of Visibility. And nearby was a staffer wearing a rainbow-colored lanyard. How welcoming and inclusive of them.
9. No snow or ice has been on the ground for weeks now, but you can never be too careful . . .
10. Put your fridge here . . .
11. You think they’ve got enough parking spaces?
12. Back in the Old Country, Easter Monday is a thing because all the public-sector workers (ie. 95% of the workforce) get the day off, but I never knew Easter Saturday was a thing here or anywhere else for that matter. Then again, I’m genuinely surprised they’re allowed to recognize a Christian holiday in Mississauga.
13. In the food court, A & W was promoting another of their veggie burgers. And this one has real vegetables, they say. Better than those fake vegetables.
14. While in the washroom, a guy with a phone in his hand walked up to use the urinal. His phone rang, but he resisted the urge to answer it and instead put it up on the ledge while he did his business. Once finished, he grabbed his phone, returned the call and walked out without washing his hands. But I still appreciate living in a part of the world where such things actually stand out. Loyal readers may recall one of my past workplaces in the Old Country where eight of 15 employees did not wash their hands after using the washroom, including one instance where one of the owners finished a smelly crap before rushing back to meet with a client.
15. Seated nearby in the food court was an old guy wearing a Unifor hat. I felt like telling him that if he loves his country, he shouldn’t vote.
16. In addition to all the DWAMs™ I spotted on the day, I spotted a number of others who had their dipshit masks hanging from their chins. I never knew viruses could be spread that way, but what do I know?
17. Not to this wary-eyed customer . . .
18. Mall art . . .
19. Spotted in the mall was a black woman wearing a T-shirt with the message, “I have mixed feelings about feelings.”
20. Stop me if you’ve heard this before, but the time is long overdue for Metrolinx to put in a real washroom at the Dundas & 407 carpool lot. Going behind the building to take a whizz doesn’t cut it.
21. The configuration on the down ticket machine at Dundas & 407 was “not all founded” . . .
22. Spotted on the side of a Burlington Transit bus was an ad from a place called Dogtopia of Burlington. Another sign of how some people care more about their dogs than their own children.
23. For some reason, the #12 GO bus was held at Burlington for 15 minutes while the driver was yakking on the phone. This is not the first time such a thing has happened and, at the very least, it deserves an explanation in such circumstances.
24. Spray-painted on the overpass at Tufford Road was “THEY ALL LIE,” presumably in reference to the upcoming federal election. Which, of course, is true.
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