The Garden City Refugee

At the CNE

August 17, 2024

Highlights and lowlights from yesterday’s visit to the CNE:

1. Catch the bus at “Farview” Mall . . .

2. At Fairview Mall, I was waiting with an older couple who were talking about an upcoming trip they were planning for next month. She wanted to take GO and the UP Express to Pearson, apparently unaware of the more direct connection via the #40 route at the Burlington carpool lot. He, however, wanted to hire Darryl, someone he knows who gives them door to door service. It costs a lot more, he said, but he was hoping to cash in on a big winner at the upcoming King’s Plate to pay for it. But today, they were just headed to Toronto to visit someone who lives in a condo near the Lansdowne station.

On the bus, she passed the time by reading the government propaganda rag otherwise known as the Standard, while he flipped through a magazine. He found an article on Serge Savard particularly interesting. “How old do you think he is?” he asked. Wouldn’t he like to know that I saw Savard play with the Jets? I thought. But I held my tongue.

After bellyaching about his sore throat and migraine, he started bitching about the air vents above the window that were blowing on him. Someone in front of them had stuffed napkins in them, so he grabbed a couple of Kleenexes and did likewise. “That’s much better,” he said after struggling mightily to get them wedged into the tiny shafts. And once he was done with the Kleenexes, she put aside the propaganda and began playing solitaire on her iPhone.

3. Behind me, a woman began talking about her father. She first lamented how much he made someone suffer, but then said he was an amazing man who had been through so much. And if he didn’t commit adultery, she wouldn’t be here. She went on to say that he had died in 1979 and would have been 86 had he lived.

4. Only a short time after finally installing a ticket machine at the Confederation GO stop, Metrolinx has now decided to put it behind a cage as they embark on a new construction project there. One has to wonder if anyone who works there actually uses the service.

5. Greeting passengers entering the Burlington GO station was a chubby customer care representative who was shouting, “TRAIN TO UNION TRACK THREE AT 9:11!” only steps away from a fancy display board showing the same information. Gee, thanks. What would we ever do without these people?

6. Waiting on the platform at Burlington was an older woman whose arms looked like sticks of shriveled-up beef jerky who was talking about her friend Sonia in Milton who is putting on so much weight and is having trouble making the payments on her credit card. “Why does she spend so much money on food?” she asked her friends.

She also said Sonia was struggling with gas prices. Sonia said she only has so much money for gas and if gas prices go up, she just can’t go where she needs to. I should have interjected and told her that Justin Trudeau says carbon taxes are supposed to make you wealthier. Sonia just needs to see things differently.

7. Trains can pass now. Or now. Or now. More of Metrolinx’s wisdom.

8. While in line at the ticket counter at the CNE, it was heartwarming to see so few people take advantage of repeated offers from ticket agents to serve anyone paying with a card. Instead, most stayed in line and, like me, paid with cash.

9. Since Toronto is the center of the universe, rather than the Global Toronto Area, it should be the Intergalactic Toronto Area.

10. Interesting bit of nostalgia. And yes, I do remember fiddling with rabbit ears to try to get better reception. Those were the days.

11. Coffee makes me poop . . .

12. In the arts & crafts building was a woman behind a counter scratching her forehead with a credit card.

13. Nearby was a woman in her early 60s who had fake boobs and all sorts of plastic surgery on her face. It made her look like a circus clown and far worse than if she had just let nature take its course.

14. Just like they do at the Olympics, this pig probably identified as female so he could compete in the women’s division in order to crush the competition and bring home the gold . . .

15. A lot more than three little pigs . . .

16. The Sky Ride. Nice to watch, but I’m not sure I ever want to go on it myself.

17. If this was held in Brampton, the sign would instead read, “Do not shit from ride.”

18. Prices of assorted “food:”

• $9 for a corn dog. $13 for the jumbo size.
• $1.50 for a gourmet lollipop. Or five for $7.
• $14 for cheese curds.
• $10 for curly fries. $12 for the large size.
• $15 for cotton candy.
• $10 for deep fried Oreos.
• $16 for poutine. $24 if you add chicken tenders.
• $30 for four dozen mini donuts.
• $10 for hot cowfatted corn.
• $15 for coconut corn.

19. The black guy who shouted at me from one of the sucker joints on the midway might have better luck if he improved his English skills. I didn’t understand a word he had to say.

20. As I was eating in the food building, right across from me was a place called Bacon Nation. “Go pig or go home” was one of their slogans. And right next door was a Middle Eastern place promoting its halal offerings. You can’t make stuff like this up.

21. Passing by me was a DWAM™ wearing a T-shirt with the message, “I am a ray of f---ing sunshine.”

22. Video walkthrough of the midway:

23. I passed by a vendor selling magic oat bags. Bags of magic oats? I wondered. Perhaps they also sell bags of magic beans, which, when watered, germinate into a giant beanstalk.

24. The GO mascot . . .

25. Dude riding an ostrich . . .

26. I wonder how many Torontonians would recognize the logo in the middle. And how many of those would know just how close that team is to becoming the Houston Aeros.

27. With real CBC fries, someone else would be forced to pay triple the amount for your order and you’d be served a plate full of scraps by a waiter or waitress who sat across from you, lit a cigarette and blew the smoke in your face while delivering a political lecture scripted by the Liberals.

28. I didn’t need to go all that way to see Niagara Falls . . .

29. My kind of place . . .

30. Their sandwiches are certainly life changing for the chickens . . .

31. Do the piggle wiggle . . .

32. I get the feeling there are more All-Time Argos than season ticket holders . . .

33. Skyline shot from the remodeled Exhibition GO station . . .

34. The #12 bus pulled into the Burlington GO station on schedule and all the passengers were on board and ready to go on time, yet we were kept waiting there for 15 minutes because, um, well, just because.

35. As the GO bus pulled into Fairview Mall, someone nearby pulled a Brampton and shit themselves. Those going on to the Falls would have a real feast for their nostrils ahead of them.