19 Aug

Nuggets from the Road

Off-color observations with a few pictures from another bus, train and subway ride to and from Toronto’s Pearson Airport. Which isn’t actually in Toronto.

1. Walking to the bus stop at Fairview Mall, I made sure to give a wide berth to the skunk ahead of me on the sidewalk. Fortunately, it decided to cross the street, stopping to wait for a pickup truck to pass by before proceeding, further proof that even skunks are smarter than the average Winnipeg pedestrian.

2. En route to the bus stop, I spotted two bikes outside at a Tim Hortons using Niagara bike security, turning them upside down rather than locking them up. Perhaps the logic behind it is that the rightful owners would have time to come out and confront the would-be thief before he/she made off with the bike(s). But it was further proof that I was no longer in the Old Country, where even a bike secured with a thick metal U-bar lock is not safe.

3. As soon as I rounded the corner past Zehr’s, I heard a couple across the street swearing up a storm. When the bus pulled up, while puffing on their cigarettes, this scruffy pair gave the driver a sob story about their cash being taken and only having debit cards. Unsatisfied with the driver’s explanation that there were plenty of ATMs around, they continued bellyaching and after a few crocodile tears, he eventually gave in and let them ride like a Winnipegger – for free. The male half of the couple gave the driver a hug and the female half patted the driver on the shoulder and said “God bless” as the two of them disembarked at Stoney Creek, where someone in a white van was waiting for them. No doubt they were laughing about how they scammed their way into a free bus ride and probably still are.

3a. That driver, by the way, bore a striking similarity to Barack Obama, whose presidency was the greatest fraud ever committed against the American people. And just like Obama, the driver was also generous with other people’s money in giving the aforementioned couple a free ride.

4. When the driver asked the older woman who got on at Grimsby where she was going, she answered “the train.” She needed to be a little more specific and the driver really had to work at beating the details out of her in order to calculate the fare. Fare she at least paid, unlike those freeloaders.

5. The cheery clerk at the Burlington GO station was yet another who liked my “Make Speech Free Again” hat. I do get that a lot when I’m out with it on. Which is a good sign.

6. Thumbs down to GO Transit for now making the stop announcements on the train in Quebecese. If our new premier is on the hunt for efficiencies, how about cutting the jobs of the bureaucrats who thought of this condescending idea?

7. When one family got on at Bronte, the kids were anxious to go up top, as it was their first time on the train, but the mother openly suggested they go under the tracks instead. I don’t know if she was joking.

8. Among the big rush of people who got on at Bronte was one woman panting and wheezing while screaming, “Water! Water!” She sounded every bit like someone who was running late and had to run like mad to catch the train.

9. Someone seated across from me who was reading the Toronto Sun brought the whole paper up to his face to lick his finger rather than just lift his hand. During this lickfest, he also treated half the car to his Coles Notes version of every article he had read.

10. A family of four who got on at Clarkson left their stroller by the door, then went to take a seat in the middle of the car. And it was still there when they got off at Exhibition. Once again, this is not the Old Country.

11. A woman who got on at Port Credit immediately recognized someone she knew in the quad in front of me and proceeded to regale him with a like-fest. Much like I found from the audio I had recorded in the subway later, I was surprised that she managed to hold her LPM to just over 7. That’s likes per minute. She also made sure to tell her friend how she was still feeling that, like, child mentality. No kidding.

12. Approaching Union, I saw a billboard for Coolsculpting, a place that supposedly freezes away fat. Isn’t it better to just put down the cheesecake and not pile on the fat in the first place? Something this tub of lard on the subway should consider:

13. If this doesn’t scream “lonely and forlorn,” I don’t know what does:

14. Somehow, I don’t think this ad campaign was aimed at the fake news media to try and get them to ask tough questions of their Liberal friends:

15. This woman on the #2 line who must have spent an ungodly amount of time painting intricate designs on her toenails felt no shame in forcing her fellow passengers to listen to the audio portion of the video she was watching on her phone.

16. While stopped at a light on Dixon Road, someone in an SUV opened his door and unloaded a big glob of spit on the ground.

17. I felt badly for the guy walking through Terminal 1 with obvious “water” stains just below his crotch. He’s certainly not alone, as there’s a reason why many drug stores have aisles dedicated to incontinence products.

18. Someone made a mess at the international arrivals area in Terminal 3:

19. On the arrivals level, nothing says “Welcome to Canada” better than a long line at Tim Hortons:

20. Also spotted in Terminal 3 was someone wearing a T-shirt from Thrasher Skateboarding Magazine, a publication that predated the former NHL team of the same name and also outlasted it.

21. Temporary out of service …

22. This group of women decked out in Ethiopian colors and flying Ethiopian flags was coming to meet someone at the international arrivals area of Terminal 1. Since that person was coming to Canada, shouldn’t they have been flying Canadian flags instead? And if Ethiopia is so wonderful, why come here at all?

23. To heck with Canadian students of Canadian parents going to Canadian universities funded by Canadian taxpayers. Let’s bend over backwards for international students, who, despite their protestations to the contrary, don’t even have a right to be in the country, let alone study at universities paid for by Canadians for the benefit of Canadians. Not cool, CIBC!

24. A middle-aged woman walking through Terminal 1 might as well have been going around with a flashing neon sign with “Look at me, I had a boob job” on her forehead. It was that obvious.

25. At Terminal 1, there was a whole row of guys were parked in the chairs in front of the charging stations, yet none of them were charging their phones. How considerate.

26. On the return trip, seated in front of me on the #2 line was a guy in a pink hoodie with “I’m a lover not a fighter” written on the back. As he was leaning over to his “partner” showing off the game he was playing on his phone, I got the unmistakable impression he was a fervent supporter of the previous provincial government.

27. On the subway was someone with a brown paper bag from Slab Burgers. The name suggests it’s not exactly a health-food place.

28. I’m not sure why GO Transit has customer service ambassadors, but if they must have them, surely the ability to speak fluent English should be foremost among the job requirements. The one I had on the return trip sounded bright and cheery and all, but much of what she had to say sounded garbled and it wasn’t because of the sound system.

29. Seated across from me on the Burlington-bound Lakeshore West train were two parents from Ajax with their daughter. The father spent virtually the entire ride acting like a teacher lecturing his student in a classroom, and among the many subjects he covered in detail was how a volcano works. Then he went on to explain that there are two languages in Canada that everyone needs to know. The daughter didn’t quite understand why and frankly, neither do I.

When not preoccupied with his daughter, he was busy sniping at his silent wife, complaining about how she makes things too complicated and that they had missed the previous train by three minutes because she was so slow. All told, I got the impression that a couple of family law attorneys are about to get some more business.

As we got closer to Burlington, he threatened to brush his daughter’s teeth with soap because she used a bad word, then proceeded to drop an F-bomb. And he wonders where the kid picks up that kind of language.

30. Spotted near an excavation site in Oakville was a container from “Earth Boring.” If it’s so boring here, try another planet.

31. Interesting message on the GO bus on the way back to St. Catharines:

32. Just past the Burlington Skyway, one guy from Quebec pulled over to the shoulder to provide some liquid fertilizer for the bushes alongside the QEW. Going through Stoney Creek, a father also pulled over to help one or more of his kids answer the call of nature. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

33. Stuck in the middle of bumper-to-bumper traffic, a couple behind me was bitching about the fact that the bus was so far behind schedule and as a result, they were about to miss a wedding they were planning to attend. On one hand, I felt badly for them, but mid-summer congestion on the only major highway leading to one of the world’s top tourist destinations not far from the country’s most densely populated region isn’t exactly unprecedented. They should have known better and left earlier.

34. On the way home, I spotted a red star on this house, no doubt indicative of the owner’s support for the NDP:

35. Assorted roadside junk:

36. Doesn’t this just scream “curb appeal”?

37. It’s “Grantham” Avenue …