On the Road – Customer Service Comedians, Forlorn Passengers, Determined Dipshits and More
March 5, 2026
Highlights and lowlights from yesterday’s voyage to and from the universe’s center:
1. Parked on the shoulder on the QEW at the Vineland exit was a semi with its hood open and smoke pouring out.
2. After nearly half the bus emptied at Beamsville, a smelly Indian guy eschewed the many empty seats and instead parked himself next to me. Then when we got to Burlington, I had to wake him up in order to get past him.
3. Traffic was backed up for miles on account of an accident near Millen Road, but full marks to our driver, who used the service road and actually got us to Burlington ahead of schedule, where I and others were able to catch the earlier express train to Union.
4. Our customer service ambassador on the Lakeshore West train fancied himself as a bit of a comedian. After announcing that the doors would be closing in 10 seconds, he said, “If you miss it, then your next train is in three to seven business days.” Upon leaving Burlington, he said, “Your next station stop is The Bahamas. No, unfortunately, it’s Appleby.” Later on, he said, “The yellow strip is only for emergencies. It does not change the temperature in your coach and it’s not to request a stop like the TTC.” When reminding us not to hog a seat with a bag, he said, “Fold it on your lap and treat it like an emotional support bag.” And as we pulled into Union, he said, “If you’ve made it this far, you must really love trains or you missed your stop. Take your belongings with you or they might end up on Facebook Marketplace. Do not cross tracks because it’s dangerous and illegal and I don’t want to do the paperwork.”
5. Across the aisle from me was someone wearing one of those Breathe Right strips on his nose. I didn’t know that was still a thing. Whatever the case, he, like most of the other passengers, had his head down and busy with his phone. What are people doing on those phones? I wonder. But I digress.
6. In the next quad was a forlorn woman in her 30s mindlessly twirling her hair. The look on her face suggested she was about to start crying.
7. Upon arrival at Union, there was an announcement stating that the Lakeshore West train making all station stops to West Harbor was now boarding on platforms 5 and 6. Please proceed to platform 5 or 6. It’s good they clarified that. I would have thought I’d have to go to platform 7 for a train boarding on platforms 5 or 6.
8. Inside the washroom in the York Concourse was a black dude clutching the hand dryer with all his might and intermittently groaning.
9. In the subway, someone left a jug of Green River water behind. What was surprising was not that someone left it behind, but that there are people out there who still buy that stuff. From past experience, it tastes like Red River water. For those not familiar with the Red River in the Old Country, it’s pretty much a sewage lagoon.
10. Charm Castle . . .
11. Seated in the cafeteria at Ikea was a couple of women, each of whom were wearing black dipshit masks. The older woman reluctantly pulled down her dipshit mask to take a sip of coffee, then promptly put it back up. But later, she pulled it down to eat and left it down. Not so for her friend, however, who was much more diligent and pulled it back up before walking through the crowds toward the exit.
12. Outside, on the sidewalk, I spotted two more DWAMs™. And in the subway, there were plenty more, like this woman on the #1 line. I could only shake my head in disgust. If they’re looking for a new name for the city, I’d suggest Dipshitville as a good candidate.
13. Because some people are more special than others . . .
14. Before disembarking at Union, a black guy came around holding out a McDonald’s cup, expecting me and others to donate to his favorite charity. I declined his overture.
15. You think they use enough salt on the platform?
16. While on the #12 bus on our way to the QEW, I noticed a restaurant on Fairview Avenue called the Prince of India. Must be a rebranded Tim Hortons, I thought.
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