Three-Tooth Dude and Spaced-Out Weirdo
February 14, 2026
Let’s face it. Fairview Mall isn’t a happening place. It may have been at one time. But those days have long since passed.
But there’s still no shortage of interesting activity. Such as what happened during my visit this afternoon.
Near the food court, a grumpy old woman took a seat. She was not a happy camper and it showed. No amount of flowers could have cheered her up on this Valentine’s Day. She soon took out a scratch-and-lose ticket and slowly began making her way through it. Maybe she figured winning the big jackpot would pull her out of the doldrums. But alas, as expected, the only winner was Doug Ford. As they say, a lottery is a tax on those who are bad at math.
Moving on, I spotted a younger couple with a kid making their way through a meal they got at Burger King the Emir of Burgers, where there was an unusually long line. The male half, dressed in a red hoodie and sporting tattoos up and down his arm and all over his face, was classic trailer trash. He had to have been visiting from Hamilton, I thought. Unkempt with straggly, greasy hair, he was busy playing with his kid and his toys–a car and a helicopter. As the guy spoke, I’d put the over-under on his IQ around five, which is two more than the number of teeth in his mouth. Oddly, the female half seemed somewhat normal. Perhaps she wasn’t his wife, but a case worker assigned by child protective services as part of supervised visitation, I thought.
Whatever the case, they soon got up and left. But on the other side of the bench was another eclectic character.
This guy, in his early 40s, had a cane next to him and a bottle of pills, a hand-rolled cigarette and a few cheezies scattered on the table in front of him. With a glazed look on his face, he was rocking back and forth in his seat as he was intently listening to some podcast or video on his phone.
“Trust the solitude and introspection . . . look for what lurks beneath the surface . . . this is your higher purpose . . . heal others while you heal yourself . . . trust that this is where you were meant to be . . . positive change is in your future . . . everything is aligning with the high spirit.” Cue the “one with the universe” scene from Slap Shot featuring “Killer” Carlson.
Now who says there’s nothing going on at Fairview Mall?
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