On the Road – Human Guinea Pigs, Beauty Queens, Subway Characters and More
October 29, 2025
Highlights and lowlights from yesterday’s visit to the universe’s center:
1. Waiting at Fairview Mall was a young woman toting a bag with the message “Fighting Animal Testing” plastered on it. Testing fighting animals? I wondered. But the more probable meaning was that she was against using animals for testing. People like her undoubtedly would prefer humans be used as guinea pigs. Just as she probably did, joining billions of others in lining up to take gene-altering poison.
2. After changing the signage of the Burlington-bound #12 GO bus to “Dundas & Hwy 407 Carpool,” Metrolinx has evidently reversed course and changed it back to simply, “Burlington Carpool.” No doubt, it was motivated by the extra questions drivers were getting as to whether they were going to Burlington. Yet someone ahead of me in line still asked the driver if she was going to Burlington. It’s probably against policy, but one could hardly blame any driver for slapping such people upside the head.
3. Boarding at Beamsville, an increasingly popular stop, was a woman with long orange nails.
4. With the opening of the Confederation GO station, the Stoney Creek stop has now been changed from “Centennial Parkway & QEW” to reflect the name of the new station. Which makes sense. Sort of. I mean, what about the name “Confederation” implies “Stoney Creek” or “Hamilton”?
5. Among the many cars snarled in the gridlock on the Burlington Skyway was one with a vanity plate, “GOTPRIDE.” No doubt the driver was another member of the rainbow mafia.
6. Seated across from me on the train was a young Arabic woman who spent the entire ride from Burlington to Clarkson fussing with her cosmetics. First, there was eye shadow. Then makeup. Kylie brand. Then her eyelashes. Then her mascara. Back to her makeup. Then out came the eye pencil. Not a wise move on a train that was rocking back and forth. Back to her eyelashes. And the mascara. Then her eyebrows. More makeup. Then the moisturizer. Finally, her lipstick. This would-be “beauty queen” looked like a circus clown. Then I noticed a ring on her finger. Likely an engagement ring. Thankfully, the guy who put it on her finger still has time to reconsider. With any luck, he’ll cut his losses and move on before it’s too late.
7. Seated next to me was a guy who boarded at Appleby who spent his ride reading Greg Egan’s Schild’s Ladder. A paper copy, not on his phone.
8. Video of a weirdo in the subway:
9. Another of the many characters in the subway:
10. DWAMs™ in the subway. There weren’t a lot of them, but still too many.
11. No, it’s where Gary Bettman calls the shots . . .
12. On my return trip, an older gray-haired woman leaned over to a younger woman with red and green streaks in her hair and told her how fortunate she was to be able to dye her hair. “My hair doesn’t have the right texture,” she said.
“You’ve got to spray it on,” Red and Green Haired Woman replied.
“No, I’ve tried everything,” said Gray Haired Woman.
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